My Thoughts

You know that song where it says "It's like my ipod is stuck on replay"?
Yeah, that's how my memories of you are.
They won't go away and the pain of listening to the same song all the time hurts.
You're the song that my radio station prohibited.
You're the song that is like Herman Lee transformed into Lil Wayne. I dislike Lil Wayne.
You're the song that I played too loudly until my ears bled. You hurt me.
I can't get over you.
You hate me and want me out of your life completely.
You love someone else.
You say he's special.

What was I?

I look at your blog and the posts from before and your description of how you feel for me makes me cry in joy and confusion. Never ever will I understand what tornado happened in you to make you feel differently for me.
You knew me, you knew that if someone told me how I could change for the better I would.
You never told me anything.
I believed you conceived the idea, just never acted upon it.
All you used were wonderful words as if it meant nothing. Just threw them at me as it planted seeds of lies into me. Rumor weeds.

The way your heart changed so fast makes me so angry. To think, I thought if we had to break up, I thought for sure you would take it the hardest. Just because of the description on how you felt about me.
What your not seeing is that cheating on me wasn't the biggest deal to me. Yeah if i saw you do it, I would die. Just thinking about it makes me hurt inside. I'm hurting now as I relive it.
The pain was excruciating. The pain was mostly from the denial of you just not loving me anymore and cheating on me.

You know, maybe cheating on me but you still love me could have been better because it would've been a mistake. We all make mistakes. I thought I meat something to you.

I put the remaining left of my heart back on the line when I asked you out. You promised me not to hurt me and yadadada. I was stupid to fall into it.
At first I didn't find you physically attractive.
I found who you were attractive. Being able to be my total self with you.
It all seemed more than promising. As you described me in that message you sent me, the part I relate to is the "not feeling like this before." You were something else.
You had a history, not many nice friends, I showed you Jesus through me.
You fell in love with Him in me.
Not me.

You changed for the better, you thought it was because of me.
I thought it was because of me.
It was because of Jesus.

Even your friends new it. You told me yourself that some of your friends said you've changed since you've been with me.
It was Jesus.
And that's why anyone does like me. They see Jesus through me.
People may not know at all, you didn't even know.
They look and notice something different about me and wish to get closer. It's why my friends, family, and strange people like me. Whether its friendly attraction or some might get it confused with love attraction.
If you like me, then you like Jesus. Go find Him and tell Him you like Him and open your life to Him.
Other people on the other hand hate me for this. They hate His presence.

Sometimes I just wish I could hate you for real and not just say I do to convince myself.

So maybe I'm wrong.
After all, these are the words spoken to me by Him.
I am nothing.
He is all.